What am I doing?

Just what's on my mind today....

I am always thinking in the back of my head about the choices I make as a mother - how they will affect Tim as an adult. But sometimes I feel like it's so hard to know that everyday I am making the right choices. I know there will be mistakes and regrets, but I can't focus on those, and I can only hope to do my best as his mother. There seems to be so much pressure nowadays on being the perfect parent, with the perfect child. And I know the kids feel the pressure as well. I see a lot of different parenting styles in my job - and have learned so much from people...both what works and what I don't want to do.

I think the best advice I've followed was that; our job as parents is not to protect our kids from the struggles in the world but more to provide them with the ability to deal with those experiences as they happen. I have tried to remember this during every decision and choice because we as a family are a microcosm of the big, wide world.

• We make rules for him to follow, because we don't want him to get hurt, and we have rules ourselves to follow so that we don't get hurt. We may not always like them - but we have to follow them.
• In the world we have constant struggles and trials. I remember seeing a little girl sharing her snack with all the kids except Tim. I waited and didn't interfere - I could have forced her to share...but what would that be teaching Tim? It turns out he was fine, a little hurt, but fine. If I had stepped in it would only have given him permission to think that Mommy was always there to pave the way for him and make everything smooth. And then what would happen in life when he hit a big bump and I wasn't there to pick up the pieces??
• Respect is a big one for me. I think this ties into every choice I make. Timothy is a human being and deserves my respect. I can't expect him to respect me, or other people for that matter, if I don't show him respect.
• Openness is something else I hold high. I don't think people give their kids enough credit, they are smart creatures and not much gets past them. I've talked to Tim about a lot of things that some people may not talk think is right to talk to their 4 year olds about - but that's because he's asked. I think if he's asked me a question - and I say 'you're too young to hear about that' I'm disrespecting him. If he asks me - then he's thinking about it, and he's been exposed to something that has made him think about it. I would rather him know that he can ask me anything and get an honest answer - then try to find the answer from someone else and get a distorted or perverse version of the truth.

It's funny because every child looks back at how their parents raised them and figures they are going to do it differently, we cringe when we hear the phrase our mother's used on us coming out of our own mouths. But for the most part I think that it's important to remember that as parents - we'll never do it right. Our kids will grow up and say they'll do it differently too. But if we teach our kids love, respect, pride with humility and honesty - it's most important to live it ourselves. And that is what will be remembered by our children.

No one has the answer to parenting 'the right way' - there's no report card for how we are doing along the way. We are all writing our own rule book as we go...because it's never the same way twice.

My rule book is far from being finished - sometimes I feel like I'm still on the first page - but I'm always learning. And I find when I stop and listen to him, Tim lets me know what's working...and what's not ;)


xo J