~ honest. sincere. embarrassing. funny. with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ~

Wednesday, May 11

The Embarrassing Life of Jess...

I love the sun. Embracing my usual paleness at the beginning of the summer I decided to sit outside, have my lunch and read yesterday afternoon. Garnet is working nights - so he was inside sleeping. Tim was at school.

I was wearing clothes that I wouldn't normally be seen in public with. Ok, enough of the disgusted looks -- it wasn't a bikini. Just some short shorts and a tube top. But hey, I was in the privacy of my fenced in patio and no one was going to see me unless they peaked over or through the fence - in which case I'd be calling the cops.

So after about an hour of peaceful, warm bliss I could feel my white arms turning a little pink and decided I'd better go in before I looked like a lobster. I gathered my things and went to open the screen door.

It didn't open.
In fact, the push button on the handle wasn't even budging.

I felt my face go red as the realization came to me that I was locked outside. The door handle had been acting funny for a few weeks and now is the time it decides to completely give out?? Of course.

The next logical step would be to open the gate - except ours was padlocked and the key...yep, inside. And I could try to crawl underneath - but I knew that some of my better assets wouldn't fit under -- I figured that would add more embarrasment than I could handle. Any other day I would have climbed the fence but in a tube top I might have shown our neighbors more than they wanted to see of me.

So I did what I had to do. BANG, BANG, BANG. I pounded as hard as I could knowing deep down that Garnet could sleep through a hurricane going through our house....and wouldn't hear me. And then I ducked down as far as I could in case any of our neighbors happened to hear. I continued doing this for about 10 minutes. POUND, POUND, POUND....duck and hide....."I'm a complete idiot"....

And then I heard it "Ummm....do you need a hand?"

I felt my insides completely knot as I slowly turned to face our neighbor....that I hadn't even met yet. "Oh, Please....it won't open" (by the way, nice to meet you, I don't normally dress like this, I'm not an idiot and I don't normally lock myself out of my house)

I told him to try the front door I might have left it unlocked when I got home from work. But it was locked too. He came back and jumped my fence in one leap....(yeah buddy, I could have done that too...I'm just 5'2" and uh...oh yeah....half naked)

He continued to try the door, to no avail. "I think you locked it on your way out - it looks like it's locked"

"Oh really?" (ok, look, I realize you think I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid...really...I'm not.)

Finally he decided that he was going to throw something at the window to try and wake Garnet. I somehow saw that going all wrong and I remembered that Garnet was waiting for a call from the autoshop today.

"Actually, do you have a phone?" (no, he lives in the stone ages, jess)

I called Garnet who woke up in a stupor trying to understand why I was calling him from a strange number telling him to open the back door. But finally came to the door with a look of complete bewiderment mixed with utter aggravation.

I said about a million "Thank you's" to both of them and rushed inside. Then I paused, stuck my head back out and said "It's not locked, it's completely broken! Time for a new door I think! haha" (yeah that will really redeem you at this point jess....way to go) Garnet gave me a quick up down said "Nice outfit." with a smirk and went back to bed.

That evening the neighbor was outside again while I was BBQing and laughed at me while I was duct taping the latch and setting my smoke alarm off trying to BBQ.

My sarcasm then took over "Yeah, yeah I'm having a bad day - d'ya mind??" We both laughed it off. It's always so nice to meet the neighbors....I've just got to work on the timing.

So, I'm not sunburned, but my face will be red for awhile!
xo J


Anonymous said...

I think that was the best dose of comical relief that I have had in a while!!
You are hilarious!
Love from your sister (who just for the record will Never forget this one!! )

Michelle said...

wow jess, i can picture it all so clearly :) i didn't know that you even *own* a tube top LOL!!!

the salmon said...

that was really funny jess. thanks for sharing the story :)

Jessi said...

well thanks girls...always happy to be the comic relief hilsy. (but be careful - i've got some stories that i haven't forgotten either hehehe)

and michelle - most people in my life didn't know i owned a tube top...until now. ;)
although, he didn't seem to be too scared so maybe i'll break out the bikini next time :)

Anonymous said...

lol Jess, I have just laughed so much at this. Hilarious!!