~ honest. sincere. embarrassing. funny. with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ~

Tuesday, March 28

Husband on Strike?

I've seen a trend in the parenting skills of some people.....I think it's detrimental to marriages. I had no idea that it would come to this one day --- but I support this guy!

We were lucky that Tim was always a good sleeper and never really gave us a hard time at bed time....but I think that there are other ways to deal with frustrating bed times than letting the kids sleep with parents. I have seen a lot of Moms give up their comfort, sleep and essentially the intimacy with their husbands because they let the kids sleep with them. I'm not saying that kids shouldn't ever sleep with parents - Tim comes in when he has a bad dream or is sick -- I just don't think it's right every night. I think it's very hard for parents to be good parents without unity with eachother. I'll just say it outright; (hilsy, cover your ears) sex is important in marriages!

*******UPDATE*******March 29th
First of all --- I have to agree with some of the comments (on his site) that a strike might not be the best way to solve this, and yes - he could be helping the mom instead. And as my mom says it is 'just a little weird'. But I think it's an issue in a lot of marriages - and I think a lot of men are afraid to voice it because they are made to feel like bad parents if they still want alone time with their wife!!

There is nothing wrong with snuggling and rocking babies to sleep --- but the problem is that too many parents are too exhausted to do the 'transitioning' later on. I know a mom who still rocks her kids to sleep for hours at night. Then they end up sleeping with her while dad heads to the kids bed so that he can sleep -- the kids are 5 and 3!!
I think our job as parents is to raise our kids to be able to deal with the real world - which essentially means to be independant, self-sufficient people. Security is ssssooooo important -- but there is a fine line between raising kids to be secure verses raising them to be dependant. And there are so many other ways to build security other than letting them sleep with mom and dad!

This is something that I feel really strongly about because I see moms everyday that think they have to give up themselves and their relationships because they are now moms. I think it's important to remember that you don't give up the 'husband/wife' (or friend, or sister, etc) roles just because you added 'mom and dad'.

Also -- I don't think this guy is perfect in the relationship. We don't know the whole story. Maybe she is lacking something from him....so she's clinging that much more to her kids. What I do agree with is that he needs intimacy with his wife -- sex (which yes, as michelle pointed out doesn't have to be limited to the bedroom) is only a part of this intimacy.


Michelle said...

who says sex has to be in a bed?

of course, it should be *both* parents decision on where the kids sleep (just as all parenting decisions should be made), but i totally do not agree with this strike. some kids sleep well in a crib, and that's great. some kids scream the second they are put in. i would rather see the hubby pitching in more, especially with the toddler, to get him to bed (in his own bed if that's what he wants), so that the mom can be more focused on taking care of the baby's needs. i mean, 2 months old? sex isn't even recommended until after 6 weeks post partum, so the hubby only has 2 weeks to "complain" about, and if i were his wife and he was treating me like that, there's no way he'd be gettin' any from me!

i feel that the first year of the baby's life is about the baby. having a baby sleep with you for the first year (or longer, depending on how the parents feel) is not harmful. i'd rather have a baby snuggled up and sleeping well with me, than have him screaming his head off in the crib. i would think that mothers (especially when breastfeeding) would get more sleep this way. babies are only little for a short while, what's the big deal? it doesn't mean the baby will always sleep with you, you can slowly transistion them into thier own beds when they are ready.

i know some people are totally for letting the baby "cry it out", but i'm not.

having a baby sleeping with you doesn't mean your sex life will suffer. you can put the baby to bed, and then have some time with your hubby afterwards, just as if he was sleeping in a crib.

the toys are an easier issue.. a no toy rule in momma's room is fine, they can be kept in the kids' room, or playroom. i don't know why the mom would be against that? or is she?

Jessi said...

i don't agree with 'crying it out' either michelle....and i know that you were successful in the 'transitioning' which i really respect.
as i said in my update -- i agree that dad could be going about it a different way...and even helping with the toddler more like you said. i have a feeling he's not complaining about the 2 sexless weeks though -- probably more like comparing the first 2 months to the first child as an infant and realizing that she's repeating the same pattern in the new baby.

i just think there are some moms who maybe don't realize that their husbands are feeling neglected and maybe this could pose as a wake up call.....for both sexes.
it's no wonder that there are so many marriages that fall apart after the kids are gone because husband and wife didn't work on the marriage for so long!

Anonymous said...

i debated about even writing anything because this is an issue i feel so strongly about and don't want to offend anyone, but here goes. i think what a lot of people don't realize is that when you marry, you and your partner are now a "family". you add to your "family" with children. when the children are grown and married off, you and your husband are still a "family". we tend to forget during the "kid years" that we still need to be nurturing our relationships with our partners in the same way as before the kids. i understand that children tend to change the ease of doing things, i have my own! but never the less we should still be working at it. as a mother you are exhausted from the time you get up in the morning until you go to bed and the pattern just keeps repeating itself until you can't imagine how a good sleep would feel anymore. i think this exhaustion is one of the main reasons for our lack of intimacy and enthusiasm (or anything else for that matter) with our partner. you have to chose to make time for yourself and togetherness, i know it's not easy! trust me!!! i think if women showed the same enthusiasm towards their relationships with their husbands as they do with raising their children that todays divorce rates would be different. we cannot let them (relationships and partners)rest on the back bunner while raising the kids. i know alot of moms would like some more help and/or support from the husbands but put yourself in their shoes for just one minute. yes, i know it's hard! think how it must feel to be replaced. in an essence, that's what we're doing with our kids. is it any wonder that they leave? now on the flip side, i know that some dads really need to step up to the plate or else they shouldn't be complaining. it takes two to tango and if that's the case, than dance! ok, and as for rocking babies to sleep and kids sleeping in bed with you...you go girls cuz i certainly couldn't do it! i know that this is such a touchy subject and people have strong feelings one way or another and there is no changing them! just remember that whatever you decide will affect them now, when they're 2,5,10,16 all they way till they're grown! i respect everyone's parenting skills but please don't complain to me when you don't get a whole night of sleep and where is your husband? oh, you don't know? come on girls, we need to be "strong" women and show these little ones who's boss! and mommy does this because she loves you and wants you to grow up strong and confident. she also wants to have an amazing relationship with your dad, one that you can learn from by example and hopefully someday have yourself! it's amazing when you allow yourself to look at your husband as your friend and lover (not a daddy!) how quickly you rediscover them! a warning to the wise, watch out for love, togetherness and passion! (and not necessarily just in sex! although that becomes pretty amazing too!!)

Jessi said...

thank you anonymous --- this is exactly what i think!!!! i would love to know who you are???

Anonymous said...

oh, you know who i am...i tend to have strong opinions that don't always come across the right way, so i try to be careful how i say them and to who. i think you know who i am...what friend comes to mind?