~ honest. sincere. embarrassing. funny. with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ~

Saturday, May 20


I was reminded of a time in my life today that I thought I had let go of. I guess I haven't yet.

Being a very emotional person - I tend to hold onto feelings and can sometimes remember a time so vividly that a smell, a taste -- even a sound will set me off.
I used to wear vanilla perfume. I was known for the smell -- candles, shampoo, lotions....vanilla was everywhere. Now, because of one time in my life I can't even bring myself to sniff the smell I use to be synonymous with.

Just before I lost the love for Vanilla perfume - I lost the little girl I thought I'd be forever.

I was 19 and I just found out that I was pregnant. I lived 5 hours away from home - and 3 hours away from my boyfriend. I lived with a family I didn't know, 3 male borders and 1 female border that was the definition of a snob. I was in the middle of college....and very alone.

I remember sitting on my bed. I remember the cold November day outside and not feeling much else but the ice. I stared for hours. Sometimes the pain was so much that it even hurt to cry.

I walked around the next few weeks in a trance - telling a few people but mostly being alone in my thoughts. I remember fear and excitement, I remember pain and euphoria. Pregnancy is such an amazing and wonderful thing - but so scary when you're an unmarried christian girl and it's unplanned.

I decided to move cities, transfer schools and be with my boyfriend. We were going to raise our baby. In my innocence and naivity I cancelled the phone line at my borders (that was under my name) and left the bill divided evenly (like we did each month), with my portion paid - and trusted them to pay theirs.

They didn't.

I got married. Changed my name, moved, forgot about the little phone bill that could.

6 years later I get a call looking for me (my maiden name) -- it's been in collections for all this time. Luckily, it's such a small amount that it hasn't affected my credit badly. But it's still a hassle right now.

And like I mentioned, it brought me back to that time in my life. Painful time, but a time that was due for revisiting. I can see that at such a hopeless time in my life -- I never would have seen where I was headed. I could never have seen how things would turn out. What an amazing blessing and meaning that 'pregnancy' would give my life. How the deep loneliness and emptiness would bring clarity to 'friends' true colours...no matter how ugly. I can see now how the deepest, darkest moments of our lives are needed in order to see the lighted ones. How the strength we gain, and pain we endure give us what we need to keep putting the one foot in front - and living our lives.

I can see now how a love for Vanilla, and the innocence of childhood may not last. But time stamps in us scars of honour that change us...forever. And although we may be forced to go back and visit those times, relive those memories and embrace what we've learned -- we never have to be there again.

And then at some point, when it's right, when all debts are paid and the pain has healed -- we can let go.


Anonymous said...

At some point in time we all are at that place where the pain and lonliness takes over. I think when we get stronger with help of family or friends these scars make the person we are today. Jessica the person you are today is a woman of great love,mountainous patience, and have grown more beautiful inside and out. Anything you want to achieve I have no doubt you will. I wish I knew you back then because I would have taken you in my arms and whispered everything will be O.K. I love you very much and I'm proud to be part of your life. My smell is musk oil, wow that brings up memories. Hugs and Kisses Anne

Jessi said...

Thank you Anne...you have been the light so many times for me. And you always have taken me in your arms and told me it's all going to be ok. You are a blessing.

And now about this musk oil....you've got me curious ;)

the salmon said...

wow jess, i do appreciate knowing what you went through. since we were friends "back home" i definitely knew you as a certain person, and then i heard "the news" after i was already moved away.

my heart totally went out to you back then. i knew what it was like to be out on my own and to make mistakes i never thought i would make.

i really wished i could have seen you on a visit back then to give you comfort in the situation aswell. but anyway, you obviously survived well. and we did have some good talks when you visited out here, but i don't remember you saying it like that exactly.

i hope your faith has been strengthened because of the experiences you've had. i know mine has. it took awhile but God is so forgiving and receives us back with open arms again and again (who knows why??? i guess because we are His children).

love you,

Jessi said...

thank you amanda - your openness helped a lot during our visit, and emails afterwards. it was nice to have someone be honest about their struggles.
it's amazing how much has changed since "back home", huh?
my faith definitely has changed because of my experiences -- but that's another topic all in itself.....i'm still working on that blog ;)