~ honest. sincere. embarrassing. funny. with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ~

Sunday, July 22

Time to start again...

I have started this particular blog so many times I've lost count. Sometimes only getting a few sentences in - sometimes paragraphs. I have tried to sort things out in writing - and about 500 times in my head. Truth is, I don't really know why I needed the hiatus - I just knew that I did.

We were going through a few things - I had some medical issues, and then there were some other personal issues. We had to make some decisions that were emotionally driven -- and I found myself feeling obliged to share them on my blog. Obliged to justify them. Which was, obviously, never the purpose of my blog. I love writing - and I love being open and honest. After a life growing up in religion where I had the constant need to pretend to be perfect -- I liked sharing the shit that we went through and not having to feel like I was pretending. Life is wonderful - and sometimes it's not always wonderful! And it all feels good to share.....but I never wanted to feel like I had to share it all.

There is also an insatiable need in me to please other people, which doesn't aid the constant need to justify my decisions. I kept thinking. "If I share this - what are people going to think of me?"

We decided that I am going to wait a year for School. Now that I am fine with it, have dealt with my issues on it and declined my acceptance - now, I'll share.

At first, it was a decision based on financial needs, after I broke the cars. Then, it became a time in our lives where we could sit back and look at a few things, regain a grip on our priorities. At one point we even decided to sell our second vehicle - the Kia. Garnet said he was determined to pay for school anyway we could. We live in a city where everything is within a 20 minute bike ride -- and we have a perfectly good bike that never sees the road. In fact, I can make it to work on the bike in almost the same length of time as it takes in the car!

I realize, now, that I was watching life go by without really enjoying it. I was dreading going to school next year, dreading missing that time in Tim's life, dreading having to find some way to keep up with the house and family - while exceeding at school. But yet, I was still barrelling ahead because this was the plan. My decision to wait didn't upset me -- in fact it brought a peace. I would be lying to say that I saw that peace immediately though. No, I needed to go through a rough patch first. I was crying one day and the words poured out of my mouth -- "I don't want to say 'I just work at M&M's' for the rest of my life!" I was shocked at myself. And it made me think -- so what if I do? Am I going to school for the prestige of a career -- or because this is what I want to do? What defines me? Will I be a better person when I am a nurse?

We've relaxed a little bit now, been able to sit back and look at all that we have -- instead of wanting more we are learning to be content. We have come a long way in the last 8 years. I remember a time when we had $20 to last us a week in groceries in our little Devine st. apartment. Me, with a baby and post-partum feeling very alone - and Garnet an 18 year old kid with no idea how to be a father or a husband. I still might not be at the point in my life where I have the career and the dream house and all that we dream about having one day -- but I do have a great husband, who is an amazing father -- and we have a amazing son who fills our lives with contentment, love and pure joy everyday.

So the way I look at it now; I get one more year to enjoy class trips and after school snacks with Tim and breakfast dates on days off with my husband. I get to sit and read a book if I want, go for afternoon walks with the dog I work a few days a week at a great job, with wonderful co-workers. One more year of being able to stay on top of housework (except, of course folding -- but that's another blog in itself ;)......one more year to enjoy life and all that I have. Life is busy enough -- I should be thankful that I have had these few years to enjoy my wonderful family -- before jumping head first into a career. This means I graduate when I am 30 instead of 29. Will that be a regret when I'm 80? Pretty doubtful.

Tim turns 7 this coming week. SEVEN. Hard to believe it's been that long.....hard to believe how far we've come in 7 years. And we still have a lifetime to enjoy.

Time to start again. Blogging. Breathing. Living. Enjoying. Seeing what's important. And I hope I can stop myself before I get into the rut again of letting anything else take me away, define me or rule me......


Michelle said...

oh jess, sorry you've been going thru so much. i hope your health issues have cleared up. i agree that you won't regret spending extra time with tim now,and graduate a year later.

we definately remember what it was like being so broke :(

Jer said...

Welcome back. :)

Jessi said...

Thanks Michelle....health issues aren't cleared up -- but i'm hoping to get some answers soon.

And it feels 'greedy' for me to say we are broke now - we're definitely blessed with Garnet having a great job....but I wasn't prepared to put all our extra money into my school and Tim miss out on fun summer stuff. He's only young once!! Like I said, it won't be long before going to Amusement parks and Camping with Mom and Dad isn't "cool" anymore ;)

Anonymous said...


Jessi said...

we love you all too!! xoxoxo
(i got your message -- i'll call tonight)